Escaping an abuser

If you have been manhandled by an emotional manipulator, there will come a day you realize what is going on.

One day, it all became very clear to Jacob. He could hear the grumbling among his brothers-in-law about him. They were frustrated that Jacob’s wealth had surpassed their father’s (Genesis 31:1). Even if you are stuck under the hand of an abuser, God can prosper you.

Jacob could also see that look in Laban’s face. His boss/father-in-law did not look at him favorably as he once did (31:2). An emotionally intelligent person can read other people’s emotions like this. Biblically, we see this skill emphasized from the beginning when God asked Cain why he was so long in the face.

For years, Jacob had wanted to get himself out of the abusive situation but did not have the money, courage, or right timing. Now, the Lord spoke to him and told him to leave and He would be right there with him through the transition (31:3). I believe timing is important. Abusive people can be powerful and you don’t want to do anything in a spirit of rebellion or pride. If the Lord is on your side, keep pace with Him and you will be fine.

Jacob did not want to lose his family. This was the messy part. His wives and children were all related to the abusive person. Would they come with him? They would if he had learned how to work for other people’s best interest and not just his own as he had with his brother.

After he tells them the facts of the situation, not just his feelings, he listens to what they think. In business, Laban had tried to rip him off 10 times. Now, Jacob feels uncomfortable with Laban jealous at him and his sons giving evil glances. They could overpower him and take away all his livestock, leaving him with nothing again.

This conversation appears to be an eye-opening moment for the family. Rachel and Leah admit that their father has not kept his word to them, too. “He has sold us, and also completely consumed our money” (Genesis 31:15, NKJV). It is tough when you realize that family members who should have loved you and put you first actually used you and treated you like trash.

Unified as victims, the family packed up. While Laban was busy with his annual sheep shearing event, Jacob and company traveled back toward the Promised Land. Jacob did not tell Laban (31:20). You know that conversation would not go well.

I can’t say it is wise or noble to sneak out of an abuser’s life, but to protect you and yours, sometimes a person must do what they have to do. When it comes time that you can get free, go. Stop defining yourself by someone else’s destructive opinion of you.

When Laban heard, he galloped as fast as he could to try to grab Jacob. He had learned that his only worth was in this man he treated like dirt. On the way, the Lord spoke to Laban and told him to keep his mouth shut: “Be careful that you speak to Jacob neither good nor bad” (31:24).

Did Laban listen to the God of Jacob? No. Some abusers will not stop even if God Himself speaks to them.

The first words out of Laban’s mouth were caustic, manipulative, and emotionally bruising. “What have you done?” Jacob had asked this same thing when he realized Laban had set him up with the wrong woman.

In that case, Laban was to blame. This time, He threw the phrase back in Jacob’s face. Just as being slapped in the face temporary blinds you with pain, so having your words thrown back at you can stun you long enough for the abuser to land another punch

The manipulator than puts him far on the defensive, “You carried away my daughters like captives taken with the sword?” (31:26, NKJV).

The victimizer uses overstatements like this because they provoke an emotional respose. Detectives do this to get a suspect to confess what really happened: “Why did you take $100,000 from your boss?” The person under investigation will stammer back, “I didn’t take that much!” Bingo, you just confessed to embezzling.

Laban then criticizes how Jacob did it. “Why did you flee away secretly, and steal away from me, and not tell me?” (31:27, NKJV). The abuser is not self-aware enough to realize he or she gives others no choice but to disappear. There is no such thing as a non-emotional conversation with them about the relationship.

The abuser thinks he loves and cares for them. He claims only the noblest values: “I might have sent you away with joy and songs, with timbrel and harp” (31:27, NKJV). Right. This is known as gaslighting. The manipulator has had time to think up a way to twist an event to make himself look good.

Laban has cast Jacob as an evil person and himself as a happy, joyful person. When an abuser gets inside your head, you begin to believe you are the bad one. Don’t define yourself by how someone else sees you.

Next, Laban uses the ploy not every abuser can: relationship manipulation. “You did not allow me to kiss my grandchildren goodbye!” (31:28). A lot of relationship abuses pulls the heartstrings of normal family bonds to make a puppet out of the victim.

Jacob answers his insults by saying, “I sneaked out because I was afraid.” Jacob then schooled him on how he had gone over and above the call of duty, paid for mistakes that were not his responsibility, and took great care of the man’s stuff. There was no reason for him to be ripped off like he had been.

Jacob finally confronts the issue and tells all his frustrations, now that he is in a neutral place to speak. While he was within Laban’s domain, he could not address the issues freely.

Abusers need such leverage to control you: “It’s my house, so you’ll do what I say” or “As long as your using my _____, you’ll have to respect my rules.” Those “rules” continue to grow and serve as emotional taps to drain your life force.

Laban never says, “I’m sorry, I have done wrong.” He emphasizes again that Jacob’s wives are his daughters and Jacob’s children are his grandchildren (more possessive leverage). Laban claimed that Jacob’s honestly gained flocks were his own, too. “All you see is mine,” says the arrogant dude.

“Let us make a covenant,” Laban suggests. This is the first sign that he realizes he has no power over them. So, he has to have a contract.

Jacob set up a stone as a monument pillar and then he and the other guys piled another heap of stones as a marker, too. Once Jacob had finished the construction, Laban claimed it as his own, “Here is this heap and here is this pillar, which I have placed between you and me. This heap is a witness, and this pillar is a witness, that I will not pass beyond this heap to you, and you will not pass beyond this heap and this pillar to me, for harm.”

Okay, I guess we don’t care who gets credit as long as the truce has been reached. The next morning, Laban cleared out of their lives forever. He hugged and kissed his daughters and grandchildren and blessed them. The text does not say he treated Jacob this way. When he first met Jacob and saw his potential for gain from him, Laban greeted the man vibrantly. Now, he hardly gives a goodbye.

Emotional abusers have no affection for or interest in those who cannot benefit them any longer. Don’t worry about it or try to rekindle their interest in you. Be glad they no longer oppress you once you are free.

Laban would now go into poverty. Or he would learn to provide for himself rather than live off of others. Jacob would proceed with the Lord’s favor, being blessed in all he did.

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Do you know of a story where God changed the heart of the abuser and he or she became a loving person? Please tell us about it in the comments section below