Posts by danieljkoren:
Recovering from emotional terrorism
Let’s talk about recovering from abuse by talking about a horse my family used to own.
I believe this gelding had been abused before we got him. He would not respond well to men, and the guy who loaded him into the trailer jabbed and smacked him with a pole to get him to go in. That concerned me, but we had never owned horses before.
Egyptian Arabians. They were beautiful chestnut brown with white accents. The kids were so happy when we brought them home.
The gelding supposedly had been green broke seven years or so before. He could not be trailered without force. He could not be caught or haltered. If you tried to bring a rope near his face, he took off.
So, I got the bright idea to bait him in and lasso him. Keep in mind I’m a bookworm and a do-it-yourselfer. My mother-in-law says someday I’ll die of a typo.
I perched up above the lair, he came for the food, and I dropped a lasso around his neck. To make sure I caught him, I had tied down the other end of the rope (I didn’t want to hang onto it and get jerked off my perch).
He reared back, hit the end of that lasso, and noosed himself. He fell to the ground, fighting and keeping the tension of that rope tight. He began to choke.
His mother from two pens away heard him gasping for air and began to whinny and snort in a panic. His eyes rolled back in his head. I was trying to catch him so we could work him and here I was about to kill him. I jumped down and cut the rope free. He caught his breath and regained consciousness, shaking all over.
Would you be surprised to know that that horse never trusted me? He did not want to come near me again. He did not know that I only meant him good, not harm. He was scared to death (literally) by me.
Forever afterwards, until we traded him off to some neighbors, if I was out by the fence talking to someone, all I had to say was, “Hi!” to them or “Hey there!” And he would jump, cringe, and tense up. Just hearing my voice brought back all that trauma he went through of being choked out.
I’ve never choked a person, but I have done enough emotional damage that it can take years for them to trust me again. If you have been the abuser, don’t expect people to come around and love you the minute you apologize. Their limbic cortex has imprinted you as a threat. In their conscious mind, they have forgiven you, but it will be years of being stable and safe for them to change your profile in their subconscious.
Terrorism is not the act of dropping bombs.
Terrorism is the use of a threat to provoke fear. This is why you can be damaged by someone who never hurt you.
A man can claim, “I’ve never raised a hand against my wife.” Fine. (No awards for you buddy, you never should.) However, have you created emotional tension where she thought her life was in danger?
My wife says there were times she was terrified of what I might do. I don’t get that. I really don’t.
I bloodied my brothers nose once when we were kids and I felt horrible. I’m not a violent person, but that doesn’t matter. I created the perceived threat of violence.
I’m not sure how to explain this. I never threatened anyone’s life, never have nor ever would. However, the tensions I created at times probably have made my wife and children feel like that gelding gasping for another breath.
Sometimes we overlook the “perceived threat” as not being an issue. Both the victim and the abuser might wonder why they cannot have a normal conversation. Not only did I have to be transformed by the mercy of Jesus into a new creature, those who had feared me had to also see that I was a new man. That took time and persistence.
My younger children do not see me the way my older ones had to. I’m thankful for young people with grace and mercy in their lives who have learned to love and accept again. However, I must always remember that certain tones of voice or other triggers can reconnect them with that old me. My wife might have flashbacks if I yell, “Who left their bike in the driveway?” And telling her I was just asking, not yelling, doesn’t help.
Jesus promises us new life. He promised the woman at the well a fountain springing up into eternal life. Not just a gush of the Spirit every now and then. We can walk in the Spirit, wake up in the Spirit, and have to learn to do all that we do in the Spirit.
Emotional manipulation takes many forms. I used to lead my wife along with my pouting, sulking, or feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t realize I was doing it and she did not realize I was sucking the life out of her. It was ridiculous now that I think about it.
I still have down days but I’ve realized that it is not her problem nor her job to bring me back up. That’s what Jesus is for and I only got down because I wasn’t close to Him like I should have. If I derive my life force from someone else, I’m a parasite.
In this journey, I’ve learned many of my triggers: caffeine, sugar, aching back. When I am under those influences, everyone begins to look like idiots. Rather than my wife have to talk me down off a ledge, I’ve learned to take those things to the Lord in prayer. He gives me stregth to get through and overcome.
“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.”
(Galatians 2:20, NKJV)
Where are you in your journey? What have you learned that could help someone else?