Posts by danieljkoren:
Confessions of an emotional abuser
I’ve needed to tell this story for a long time. 🤦♂️
I guess no time is going to be any easier than another.
It began with a simple statement I heard on a recording.
I began to think. Introspect. Then I knew I had to say something.
I cracked.
I sobbed so hard it was tough to get air.
All I meant to do was get some things right with my wife.
Once I started, one thing lead to another and I found myself confessing things I hadn’t even thought about.
She helped me by pointing out some things I needed to own up to. 😁
She told me how the children at different times had come to her wounded by things I had done and said.
We aren’t talking physical abuse here because she wouldn’t have let me get away with that. Once she thought I was about to harm a child and she about moved me out. I still don’t get that ‘cause I was not going to hurt him. Anyway, she told me all my clothes were clean and she’d help me pack whatever I was taking. Gotta love her grit.
As I opened up that particular night about my control issues and how I had mistreated her in various ways over several years of marriage, I began to realize I also had to make things right with my children.
I’m not sure if I slept that night we stayed up so late talking. When morning came, I got my children together for devotions like we often did.
I filled a bowl of water, put a towel over my shoulder, and went from child to child.
I admitted to them where I had insulted, demeaned, or intimidated them.
Then, I asked if I could wash their feet.
Something had snapped inside of me.
I could now see what I was.
I could see what I had been.
Yes, I always loved my kids.
Yes, we did fun things together.
But none of that made up for those angry days when I would bully, threaten, yell, and demand action.
My wife would also not escape my wrath.
I write this to give you a sense of what motivates me to investigate this idea of emotional abuse.
I write this so you can know that a emotional abuser can change.
My wife told me of something our little girl said after I had thrown a fit and stormed out.
Weeping, she clung to her mom whom I had just trashed verbally.
She said, “Are you just a kid, too, mommy?” Sobbing, she said, “I don’t want you to be just a kid!”
I had no idea the monster I had become.
Our lives had not started out this way.
But I had grown bitter with disappointments, a year of depression (undiagnosed), and fading hopes for the future.
My wife and children had become the lightning rods to absorb my negative charges.
I believe my blindness to my wickedness was worse than my behavior.
How could I not see myself? The mirrors were everywhere.
I only needed to look into the eyes of my child as I towered over him yelling, “What were you thinking?”
I only had to watch how they treated each other and then ask where they learned to behave that way.
I could also have looked at my family tree and see those fruits in other lives and known I was likely to manifest the same traits.
I’m not sure what I would do to help a person like I was.
If I could go back and talk to myself then, I don’t think I would have listened.
I didn’t listen when my wife tried to plead with me. She was just being overly emotional. I wasn’t as bad as a drunk coming home and beating everyone senseless. I told her she should be thankful I wasn’t like that. 😳
I mean, come on, no one is perfect. 🙄
So what got my attention?
Jesus. 👀
Easy answer?
Not really. I had a relationship with Jesus.
Jesus and I were in business together.
I was a preacher. A pastor. A spiritual caretaker.
See why I couldn’t imagine I had a problem? I was in business with God.
Sure, I wasn’t perfect, but I wasn’t as bad as some of the people I had ministered to.
I mean, I’d ministered in the felon’s area in the jail. You should hear some of those guys’ stories. You’d think I was a saint!
But Jesus got me.
It began a couple years after my depression.
He changed my understanding of Him. He shifted my faith.
I’ll write more about that process and what I learned at a later time.
Basically, I came to expect His righteousness to shine through me.
I accepted that I was complete in Him and I could love, give, and do everything by His strength.
He took the space I gave Him and began to move into every area of my life.
My marriage is one area. What kind of husband would He be to my wife?
This process was my own. No one pushed it on me. He came in through a door I was willing to open to Him. I just didn’t know how many rooms He did not already have in my life.
The experience of Jesus Christ today is lived through my life and yours. What kind of dad would He be to my children?
And so it began. I’m still surrendering.
It’s more than just stopping the selfish, jerkish behavior. He’s done more than stop me from venting on my family.
Recently, I’ve made a major change because He said I must do this for my children to grow in His Kingdom and serve Him as He intends. This meant giving up some of my titles and areas of ministry.
If you are dealing with a an emotional abuser or you see abusive tendencies in your life and are looking to be transformed, let me suggest two things.
- Focus on Jesus continually. Stare. Read. Talk. Listen. Soak. He’ll come through you if you persist. Thus, Jesusin2020.com
- Be the person to your victims He intended. Don’t focus on just stopping the manipulation and intimidation. How are you supposed to encourage, sacrifice, and give yourself for them so they can step into the identity the Lord has for them?
I’d love to hear your story.