Posts by danieljkoren:
Detecting a manipulator
Some people want to control you. They will use gifts, position, or their property to control you. It feels yucky, but often we do not realize we are “being played” until too late.
Jacob realized what was going on and overcame his emotional manipulator. He had squirmed under Laban’s thumb for 14 years. Laban, his father-in-law, wanted to keep Jacob because he knew the blessing of the Lord was on him.
So, when Jacob suggested that he thought it was time to move on, Laban begged him to stay, saying, “I have learned by experience that the Lord has blessed me [because of you]” (Genesis 30:27, NKJV). Emotional manipulators make you feel wanted but only for what they want from you, in the long run.
Like a leash on a dog, the manipulator has a hard time letting go of people he can use for his own best interests. Laban would not just let him go, but said, “Tell me what you need and I will GIVE it to you” (30:29, paraphrase).
The manipulator likes to give. Giving provides him or her emotional leverage. When the emotional abuser gives to you, you feel obligated to please him or her. This person will later say something like, “After all I’ve done for you… and you go and treat me like this?” They don’t even know how cunning they are, but they set these situations up naturally.
Jacob pointed out how he had helped Laban become very wealthy and then asked, “And now, when shall I also provide for my own house?” (30:30, NKJV). Jacob just wanted to be on his own, to take care of his family. The co-dependent Laban needed this dude for his own success.
“So, what shall I give you?” Laban asked.
Jacob had gained some wisdom since he first fell for the man’s methods. Learn to say with Jacob, “You shall not give me anything” (30:31). Don’t be indebted to a manipulator.
Think of how this warning from Proverbs 23:6-8 applies to so much of life:
- Do not eat the bread of a miser,
- Nor desire his delicacies;
- For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.
- “Eat and drink!” he says to you,
- But his heart is not with you.
- The morsel you have eaten, you will vomit up,
- And waste your pleasant words.
Don’t borrow his stuff. Don’t live on his land. Don’t receive his gifts.
Of course this does not mean we should never receive a gift from someone. When dealing with an emotionally controlling person, however, we can safeguard ourselves. It is important to know the difference between a friend and a manipulator.
Let’s say you were in a tough situation and a friend offered to loan you his vehicle. “But be careful,” he says, “I don’t want anything to happen to it.” As if you were going to go mudding with it. Just that little statement is a clue that this person values things more than people, or at least more than you. Typically a person would value your dignity too much to insinuate that you would damage his vehicle.
When you bring it back, the emotional abuser looks it over carefully for dents or scratches. A manipulator will spot a flaw and own you with guilt. “I loaned it to you with a full tank but you brought it back with a half tank?” Or they might tease you at awkward moments to keep you seeking their mercy.
Of course, you should always return things in better condition than you received them. However, good character also does not demean people who don’t. Watch out for that guy.
That kind of guilt-pinning could be called “graymail.” They have not blackmailed you, but they have thrown enough shade to emotionally arm-twist you. Those strings come in handy when they want to ask you for a favor or comply with some wish of theirs. The balance is never paid in full for a person who needs to leverage your emotions to get what they want from you.
A true friend would say, “Hey, I’m glad you were able to use it.” When you return it, he looks you in the eye rather than only at his vehicle.
If you say, “Well, I think I got a little scratch in the paint back here—”
A friend says, “Ah, don’t worry about it. Nothing lasts forever. I’m just glad I had it to share.”
Feel the difference?
You can apply this illustration to a thousand different situations. Be the better person. And be wise to the control freak.
Then, Jacob put himself in a position for the Lord to bless him out of his situation, rather than be beholden to Laban again. Read the rest of Genesis 30 and 31. From what looked like nothing, the Lord multiplied Jacob’s wealth greatly within a few years, he had greater assets than his boss/father-in-law.